“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people