[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
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wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man