Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
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Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
March 16
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming