Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.