Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
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I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss