Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
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There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I have never related to a cat more
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*