My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
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Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??