Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics