For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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Sharon, call the vet
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
12653.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious