my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
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“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Just parrot things
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
This squirrel eats better than I do
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.