A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
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Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?