I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
A new level of troll.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
That’s it.I’m out.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?