A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
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God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
2 years later
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.