You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’