LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
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Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.