Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…