I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
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me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Breaking news:
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad