I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
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If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.