According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
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How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
the best thing i’ve ever made
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP: