Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
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No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Catercrombie & Fish
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰