I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
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John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.