Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
You Might Also Like
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Boom, boom, ching!
getting corrected
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No