This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
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[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Big Sex has us all fooled
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.