Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
You Might Also Like
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another