6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
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A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.