got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
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My new favorite headline
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
that lip filler tho
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
How funny!
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
CRYING
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.