[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
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*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
good for her
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
What about second breakfast?
A bold strategy
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.