*3.5 thank you very much.
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Leonardo DiCaprisun
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.