violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
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we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Canada has crack?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW