ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
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Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
prepare for carbonated trouble
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows