At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
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what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.