Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
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My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?