Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
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Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Tuesday
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
When your man makes a valid point
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.