8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.