Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
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I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
incredible text to wake up to
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
yall want some gasoline milk
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.