Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
You Might Also Like
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne