[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
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You are not alone 💚
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE