To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
thank god the sign was there
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.