The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
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me linking you to my twitter
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
me 2 months after i graduated
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
everyone’s a critic
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great