Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Aw man, but that’s the best part