they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
You Might Also Like
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
*seductively corrects your posture*
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?