You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
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Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
no one likes gloating
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
plant them where lol
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I’d hang this in my house.