I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
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I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Autocorrect completely socks
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet