“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess