I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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hmm conte-me mais
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.