ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Realize this:
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.