Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
sir, my pâté if you please
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*