*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
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Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!