Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
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Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride