i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
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My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.